I have gotten a few requests to write about my most recent trip to Orlando, but I believe it might be a story better told from a different point of view:) I have also had requests to discuss the most recent developments in the holiday meltdown crisis…hmm, compelling. And then there is the obvious discussion topic, “Being married to a Synthetic Person…Is the Marriage “Real” or only a Sub Name for a Recently Discovered Muscle in the Ass?” I am open for votes and topic suggestions.
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5@5 is a daily, food-related list from chefs, writers, political pundits, musicians, actors, and all manner of opinionated people from around the globe.
So class, we’ve recently become versed in how to tick off the chef, deal with drunk party guests and overcome booze-induced suffering. Today’s lesson? How not to send yourself into self-inflicted Prohibition by being a general pain in the gluteus maximus toward the barkeep.
Our visiting educators are Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark – the comedic vixen mixologists behind the virally infamous McNuggetini. The dynamic duo took a break from shaking (and stirring) up the cocktail world with their new web series, Drinks with Alie & Georgia on Food2.com, to offer up their tips on ensuring the bartender doesn’t spit in your Sour Appletini.
Five Tips on Not Pissing Off Your Bartender: Alie and Georgia
1. “When you get a chance…”
“If you’re making this statement, your bartender is very likely in the middle of doing something else. This means that [revelation!] they don’t have a chance at the moment. Bartenders are masters in the art of letting you know if they’re ready to interact, using simple indicators such as eye contact, a finger pointed in your direction, or one particular finger pointed upward, depending on the bar. If they’re not serving you, it’s precisely because they haven’t gotten a chance to serve you. Or worse, it’s because you’ve done something to piss them off (see #5), in which case, get comfy because ‘when you get a chance’ may be a long ways off.”
2. Tipping: It’s Not Just For Cows!
“We all have those friends: The trustfund-baby-cum-performance-artist who doesn’t tip, launching into a diatribe about socialist Utopias. Or your dad who – to your horror – once dropped a fifty cent tip on a two drink order, precipitating a twenty-minute heated conversation about minimum wage and what if someone only tipped your daughter fifty cents, huh Dad? Huh?
The point we’re trying to make is, do you really want to be on the cheap side of the tipping fence? Service industry folks rely on tips for survival, and bartenders are no exception. Here’s the rule, which is really more of a jumping off point: a dollar a drink. Tattoo that to your forehead. Anything less is just plain rude. But with the high-end mixology world booming, your drink may have required any of the following: muddling, infusing, spritzing, ice picking or very-tight-vest wearing. If this is the case, or your bartender created something specifically tailored to your tastes – it’s in good taste to lay down an extra buck or two. Don’t have that kinda money? There’s an awesome dive bar around the corner that serves up a mean vodka-cranberry.”
3. Hit on them at 2:01 am
“No way – the bartender is hot? And they’ve been flirting with you all night by making drinks in exchange for money?! You should hit on them. After all, you’ve been drinking all night, so your charm is at epic levels, and hey, you’ve been leaving him/her dollar tips, so you’ve earned a place in their heart. We bet they NEVER get hit on by patrons with sloppy, misguided intentions to sleep with them after last call. You should definitely go for it.
In case you haven’t caught on yet, we’re employing the literary device of irony, which means that we think it’s a VERY bad idea to hit on a bartender/tendress. Especially when the bar’s floodlights have just gone up, and they are screaming at you to leave their establishment.
If you must hit on this beguiling barkeep, here’s a tip: wait for another chance to strike up a conversation when you’re good and sober. Perhaps early in their next shift, before you’re wearing your tie as a headband.”
4. Long Island Ice Teas
“Long Island Iced Teas are like the Costco of beverages. We’ll all for buying in bulk when it comes to cereal or paper towels, but drinking a highball filled to the brim with five different alcohols is almost never okay. What it tells the bartenders is ‘I would like to get as drunk as possible while paying this bar as little of my money as I can.’
A Long Island Iced Tea is a very unsexy badge of thrift, but it is also a signal to the world that your future involves falling to the floor. Or worse, your best friend holding your hair back.”
5. Barfing. Anywhere.
“This brings us to vomiting. Never okay, as far as bartenders are concerned. There are a few occupations which justify contact with vomitus, but they are noble professions, like ‘pediatric surgeon’ or ‘roller coaster test simulator.’ Bartenders are on their feet all night making minimum wage, and your half-digested dinner is one of the last things they should have to reckon with at closing time. Keep their suffering in mind when ordering beyond your liver’s means.
A good rule of thumb for keeping your wits about you and your dinner inside your body? One drink an hour followed by a glass of water, and no more than four cocktails per night. This not only abates unsightly regurgitation, but it will also keep you from waking up without pants in a bus station. Remember: moderation does a body – and a bartender – good.”
Bartenders – what other customer behaviors would you like to see get nipped in the bud? And readers, do you agree with the above grievances?