fourfortytwoam.com

So I just got stabbed in the back by someone, now what do I do? When you have a “deal” with someone and they break it, what do you do????? Do you say the proverbial “good riddance”? Do you decide it doesn’t matter anyway, they can’t be worthy if they break a deal? Or, do you just wait until you have the opportunity to break their trust like they did yours?

Don’t know the “right” answer, but I do know the emotional answer:) I hate when people lie or mislead others. Just let them go on to live their own lives. If you (the liar) want something else in your life, just tell the other person and let him/her get on with his/her life… NOTHING worse than wasting your time on NOTHING.
For the liar, we will get over you. We will move on. We don’t need you and we won’t care, when it comes right down to it – which is why you lie. The only way a liar receives love is by lying about their own love for another, sucking someone in, so to speak. Pathetic, but true. Those who give the love might suffer for loving the wrong person, but at least they are capable of love, loving someone other than themselves.
I have met very few people who love truly, deeply, and beyond themselves. This generation blows, totally blows. It seems everyone is looking for where love comes from, not how they can give it. I am looking for how I can give it, share it, spread it. I want to be known as the lover, not the fighter. And with that, I will go to bed for the night 🙂

I am not a regular Oprah viewer, in fact I think I have watched it 5 times in the past 8 years. I watched the first two days of the Oprah Australia Extravaganza, though. What a beautiful country! (And the men aren’t bad either…)
But, now I find myself very distracted by her “announcement” today. She is a marketing genius. I saw one little preview during the Australia episodes and I spent half the weekend making odd predictions about what her announcement could be!
I wonder if my Oprah fascination is what has sent my world all loopy today.

Dear Jamie,
Thank you for your very well intentioned comment (refer to previous blog entry), but you clearly don’t know my husband. I tried it your way, and not one good thing has come of it, in fact, it has gotten worse. I totally agree the silent treatment is stupid, and not something that would ever work for me anyway. However, “pent up frustration” becomes big anger when communication, even at the most basic level fails (like when personal confidences/confidentialities are betrayed, one would hope the story would at least then be accurate).

In other words, Jamie, you are a pain in my ass. Literally.  But, I do thank you for your well intentioned comment!

Have a great day,
Mandy

I am having a “day.” I totally turned the phone off when I reset the alarm this morning and had to load two little kids into car seats at warp speed to drive the 7 year old to school (made it on time). Then I decided we were going to make a great day out of a really rocky start, I made it into the shower, got my hair dried and walked right into a massive fight with my husband. TO top off this fight, which was not at all about his friend, he mentions how his friend agreed with him after he (the husband) told him something I said this weekend. When he repeated what it was, I didn’t know whether to burst out laughing or just burst into tears of total frustration. Not only was this little nugget he told his friend a conversation he had NO RIGHT TO REPEAT, it was an incredibly personal discussion I had about something important to me and my marriage and he threw it right into the gossip mill. To top THAT part of it off, he retold it WRONG. It has become blatantly obvious to me that he literally hears every 5-10th word I say and NOTHING in between. As angry as I was, I nearly burst into laughter, he got it so wrong. And, I would have laughed if I had also not been SHOCKED about a. his repeating my feelings and thoughts to someone with no need to have that information, totally feel betrayed and b. that he frickin got it WRONG.
Next was the trip to the grocery store, which was a cluster due to the fact that I was totally distracted. Kept forgetting things and having to go back.
Now, the cool thing is in each of these tricky situations today, something good has happened. Got the kid to school on time and was able to deliver school supplies for the class at the same time, an errand I would have had to do later in the day, so I killed two birds with one stone. In the argument thing with my husband, I now have a very clear understanding of who I can talk to and who I can’t. I totally get the problems we have had, and they are all based in some sense on communication. ANY wonder why???? Then, the girl at the grocery store chased me down so I ddin’t forget the kids lunch meat. So, in all of the day, there have been huge gifts:)

Now, I am going back to my original intention for the day, an intention I set last night. It is time for some things to change around here (so to speak), and I am basing the changes on this quote, a manta, really:

“Watch your thought, for they become words.”
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

And, now I have “Turn the Beat Around” stuck in my head. I hope we all have a great day!

This guy rocks! (Just for the record, I didn’t write it, I merely copied and pasted it because I thought is was so interesting. It applies to my husband, my husband’s work partner, my kids, myself…EVERYONE.)

Taking Responsibility For Your Own Actions

Feb 22nd, 2007 by What’s Gotta Go

If I could sum up the problems in modern society, it would be this: people in general do not take responsibility for their own actions. This is one of my all time biggest pet peeves. We have created the problem over the course of generations, and with each subsequent generation we are making it worse. If people would simply own up to their own mistakes and take responsibility for their own betterment and that of their kids, we would be living in an entirely different world. Let’s explore this for a minute and see if you agree with my conclusion.

I have wanted to write about this for some time, but what has brought the subject fresh in my mind again these days is my 7 turning 8 year old son. Lately he has entered a strong faze of needing to find someone to blame for everything he views as wrong in his little world. He has a strong view of the way things should be in his mind, and whenever something doesn’t fit that view he has a bit of a meltdown. I realize it is a phase for him that he has to work through, but I’m telling you that if he doesn’t work through it soon I may strangle him. Not literally of course, but he is definitely trying the little bit of patience I am capable of.

His level of placing blame knows no bounds. He stubbed his toe the other day and started screaming about how his sister was to blame because she left out a toy that he was avoiding and therefore kicked the couch. My wife packed his school backpack and that ruined his morning; the next she didn’t pack it for him and that equally ruined his day. Getting picked from an weekend after school program my wife went into the classroom to get him – a big no-no that embarrassed him – left him screaming how his life was now ruined. Of course there is the ever popular not being able to find an article of clothing because his room had been cleaned when he was way (egads!) and that just can’t happen. The list of examples could go on and on these days, but you get the picture. Completely unreasonable, and completely something you deal with when raising kids.

Problem is, some people never grow out of this stage of needing to place blame on someone else for their own created situations. I think our overloaded civil court system is a direct result of this problem. Sure, there are legitimate claims that need to be handled in a legal arena to force others to be responsibility for their actions, but there so many frivolous lawsuits of people trying to find others to be found responsibility for something that it is hard often to know the difference.

Take for example the now infamous hot coffee lawsuits where someone spilled their beverage obtained through the (McDonald’s) drive-through, was burned and now was suing said establishment for untold millions of dollars because the coffee was too hot. Uh, let’s see, aren’t you purchasing this beverage with the expectation that it would be hot? Wouldn’t any reasonable person expect if they spilled such a drink on them that it would in fact burn you? Why would your lack of coordination become the liability of the restaurant who sold you the product? Why does this lawsuit even get allowed in the system?

Finding a person or entity to blame and make financially responsible for damage done is perhaps the most abused aspect of our court system. There is money to be made, often through settlements simply to avoid the time, expense and potential negative publicity associated with a full lawsuit. People know this, and unfortunately a lot of people knowingly use the system to their advantage for this very reason. There are many, though, that simply go through such a routine simply because they don’t want ot admit that their own actions or perhaps stupidity had led to their unfortunately circumstances, so they go to any lengths to get the blame placed somewhere else.

Off of the legal side, how about our educational system. I spent a little time working in the public school system, and my mother worked in a school district for a number of years. I can’t tell you how many times I heard parents raging on about how the school system had failed their child and it was their fault their child was an uneducated idiot. Now I won’t remove all blame from teachers as it is their job to try and reach children, but the children have a direct and much larger responsibility in the education process. Parents need to stay on top of the child’s progress (or lack thereof) and be an active participant to insuring their child gets the education and life skills they need, both in and out of school. Admittedly some kids have the personalities to make this a difficult proposition, but don’t look to place blame on the school. I firmly believe that in every school situation a child can get the education they need provided they have the motivation and support necessary in the home. All schools are not created equal, but it can be done.

As a teacher I was fortunate to have some experience going in to the situation, so I structured my class in such a way that good records were kept and kids had every opportunity possible to succeed, so failure was only of their own doing. I had a few parents of my failing students lay into me something fierce come mid-term parent-teacher conference about how I was failing their child. The tune changed when I laid out all my careful records of what their child was not doing and could have easily done to have a passing grade. In all situations the anger of the parent had obviously been created by some crafty story telling of the child before our meeting, and by the end of the visit had shifted from me back to the child. All but one of them ended up passing by the end of the term.

Don’t even get me started in politics, which is the arena where placing blame for wrongs (often artificially) and taking claim for accomplishments that may not be your own is considered part and parcel to the trade. Ugh, it disgusts me to even think about it.

How about the ever golden excuses when you get pulled over for a traffic infraction? There are entire lines of jokes surrounding the excuses people come up with to explain away or justify their speeding, running a red light, etc. It all roots back to the “my dog ate my homework” period, where are both trying to get away with on one hand and trying to shift blame on the other. “I’m late for a doctor’s appointment” is no excuse for breaking the law, and I think most cops are not only tired of hearing the lame excuses, but likely it makes them feel even more justified in writing you that ticket when you are trying to weasel out of it. My father was the king of conversations with people he had just met, something that always amazed me, especially the few times I had seen him strike up a friendly conversation with a cop that had just pulled him over. On every instance that I was present in person, he was let off of a ticket because he was friendly, respectful and honest. He didn’t try to justify his speeding, he owned up to it. Usually it was just not paying attention, and he would admit to it.

“Sorry officer, I didn’t even realize I was going over the speed limit until I saw your flashing lights. That really was not very smart of me.”

This may or may not get you off of a ticket, but his sincere and honest approach taught me a much greater lesson than had he tried to lie or manipulate his way out of it. Of course his added obvious flatter didn’t hurt his cause either: “I sure appreciate you doing your job and bringing this to the attention of people like me.” That part of the lesson wasn’t lost on me either.

One of my favorite songs pertaining to this subject is a song by Oingo Boingo called Only A Lad. I looked the lyrics up so you don’t have to find them. The short version is the song recounts the story of a boy that didn’t terrible things all his life, from a child on up to being an adult with increasing severity. All along the way there was always some excuse. He’s only a lad, he really couldn’t help it, society made him who he is. In the end we hear:

Hey there johnny you really dont fool me
You get away with murder
And you think its funny
You dont give a d*** if we live or if we die
Hey there johnny boy
I hope you fry!

Not the most pleasant of songs of course, but the message overall I agree with. You can’t always place your blame on others. Sure, society influences what we become, but society starts in the home. Later in life, it is up to use to continue with our habits and beliefs or make the choice to change. I won’t get into the nature vs nuture argument here, but I do believe in a bit of both mold us into who we are. But we are a higher intelligence, so we have the capacity to change.

I heard a quote in the context of a religious speech, but it definitely applies to life in general:

“A second truth about our accountability is to know that we are not the helpless victims of our circumstances. The world tries to tell us that the opposite is true: imperfections in our parents or our faulty genetic inheritance are presented to us as absolving us of personal responsibility. But difficult as circumstances may be, they do not relieve us of accountability for our actions or our inactions.” — Henry B. Eyring

Unfortunately, I don’t see this trend changing any time soon. With the prevailing belief that schools, community or government need to do more for us vs initiating change ourselves, we will continue down the path. But, if you want to see a change within your circle of influence, start with yourself and your family. Start to recognize when something is your own doing and deal with it. Ingrain in your children a sense of personal responsibility. Having a work ethic is another that goes along with this, but I’ll leave that for another day.

There are oh so many other attributes that need to be acquired, but I believe a sense of personal responsibility for one’s own actions is at the root of it. Sure, we all want world peace, but I’d be happy to start off with more people taking ownership of their own actions. Perhaps a lot of other thigns would work themselves out.

Okay, the silent treatment accomplishes nothing. Good point, Jamie. However, I will say there is something to be said for time’s in people’s lives when they really need to vent and wish they could be in a house all alone to do so – just to let out pent up energy, frustration, anger, fear, grief, etc. Living the lifestyle I have, which 98% of the time, I LOVE, isn’t conducive to this sort of release. I have been unable to have a conversation in what is supposedly my home for the entire time I have lived in this home. Where I speak, eavesdroppers lurk. Hell, I can’t pee alone, let alone have a moment to cry, scream, break stuff without up to 6 people witnessing it (I am including a nosy neighbor in this count). It has been a hard thing to handle, seeing as how my only time for “myself alone” has been trips to the grocery store or other random errands here and there. UGH! THanks, I vented.

And, to be honest, as I predicted, the silent treatment thing didn’t last 10 minutes. I don’t have it in me. For better or worse, I am a communicator, and I like to solve things. I like for things to be handled and dealt with immediately so I can go back about my business of being happy – and, prepared to handle the next thing. Anyway, I am a solver, a total believer in people can fix anything, change anything in relationships as long as they want to; then show effort, interest and desire for something better; all while working together. (I think the previous sentence was total grammar abuse, definitely a punctuation disaster.) I also, for better or worse, believe there is nothing more important than the people you have in your lives. Jobs, money, schools, cars, houses, circumstances come and go. You are only ever as strong as those who love you, and if you are lucky enough to find someone who truly loves you and cares about you and puts your feelings and needs ahead of their own, you are truly blessed. (If you can find someone who aslo thinks of you and watns to help you be the very best “you,” and are AMAZINGLY blessed.) I also believe it doesn’t matter what you do in life as far as your career, your bank accounts, your toys, your vacation homes, etc…God knows, the people around you know the REAL you. God doesn’t care about how much money you made, he cares what you do with it. God cares about the things he has given you and what you choose to do with them. Does your arrogance take over when you get a new car, or do you share that joy in a beautiful way by donating your old one or even (honestly) selling the old one for a decent price to someone who really needs it? Do you treasure daily the love you have in your life? Are you grateful for the people who love you, have faith in you, believe in you, trust you, or do you decide to those are things easily taken advantage of for your own personal gain? DO you honor and respect the blessings you have? Very, very poignant to me now…My Grandfather used to always say “count your blessings, count your blessings”…as my dad would be about to kill one of us for having wood burned our name into a wall. Then, later, he would come back with “Honor your blessings. Honor your blessings.” So true, so important.

I have gone off on a tangent here, due to something I just read. Soooo…

Let’s move on with the update. Still singing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,” but less frequently. Got into an “Itsy Bitsy Spider” marathon with the two youngest, that helped kill the constant repetition of the Munchkin song.

OH! I totally forgot what happened today! I took the kids to the store to pick up some essentials. Had the oldest and two youngest with me, the oldest as my assistant. I loaded the two kids into the double stroller, got my shopping cart, and off we went. As we were moving towards the end of our trip, I noticed someone very familiar. I kind of stared for a second, I just couldn’t quite place him. Then, he (of course) turned and looked at me. I did my best James Bond as the second he turned, I realized who he was. I dove behind my diaper, toilet paper and paper towel filled cart and moved very close to the extraordinarily tall 11 year old. Thankfully, she was also wearing a somewhat heavy jacket and after a second or two, I saw him pass by us. I immediately directed us in the opposite direction, not wanting to have to speak to this guy at this time. Due to the fact I totally forgot to tell my husband this story (and there is every chance he will read about it before I remember), I shall only mention this gentleman’s initials (T.C.) and say he and I “dated” for a very short period of time in the early 2000s (I honestly can’t remember what year, but it was after Sept 11). Oh, I just realized I was pregnant in 2003, so it must have been 2002. Anyway, we make it out of the store and start our jog to the car when I see him again, standing at his car door and texting or emailing on his phone. We pass him quickly, get the kids loaded up and the cart unloaded (which takes FOREVER) and pull out of the parking lot, where he nearly runs into the side of my car because he is running a stop sign. At this point, two things happen. 1. I realize he is driving the new 4 door Jag. 2. He stops to wave at me in apology (cause he totally ran the stop sign and really did come incredibly close to hitting my car) and slams on his brakes in what I thought for a second might have been a double take, as I was wearing a screaming blue Florida Gators Sweatshirt. Well, long story short, he made it through the light at the intersection, I stopped for the yellow and he was gone. It just occurred to me, I never looked at his license plate, don’t know if he would be living here or Florida. Funny thing is, after many years of having known him, he still has one of the most recognizable “man walks” I have ever seen. It is almost like he channels Magnum, PI.

So that is the update.

I am pretty hurt and pissed by some things going on between my husband and me. I have been advised by numerous people in the past to employ the “silent treatment” because it works “everytime”. This has always seemed to me to be a really dumb thing to do. First, there is a 95% chance my husband won’t even know he is getting the silent treatment. Then, there is a 99% chance, if he does realize it, he isn’t going to care…just going to be grateful for the time to himself and watch youporn in peace. Third, this silent thing goes against everything I stand for. I am for the old school of you talk things through, no one goes to bed angry, etc. My parents have stuck to that and have been married (to each other) for 38 years…Anyway, I also don’t like playing “games.” I would much prefer to handle things and get them out of the way. I have enough to deal with without having problems with that dude on the couch AND trying to remember what game I am playing today.
But, due to the intensity of my pain in this situation and his total lack of respect, understanding or compassion for my position, I have decided he isn’t worth speaking to at this point, so it isn’t really a game, and I will go with it. (With my mouth, I should have titled this “Silent Treatment, Minute 1.” But let’s see what happens…Every person is defined by their ability to be a hero if and when needed. Let’s just see what happens.)

So the other day, in a moment of unprecedented smartassness, I started humming the tune, then singing the words of the song from the Wizard of Oz, “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.” I don’t know if that is the official title of the Munchkin sung song, but you know which one I mean. This was three or four days ago. I CAN”T STOP! It is stuck in my head like the freakin’ ABCs. “Ding, Dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding, dong the wiiiiiiicked witch is dead!” (That is the only verse I know.)
It is driving me crazy! It even interrupted a dream I had last night. I have tried everything I know to break “the spell.” Tried listening to other songs that sometimes get stuck in my head – didn’t work. I have resorted to aversion therapy and pinched myself everytime I do it, but that didn’t work. So, I will just have to wait til it wears off, I guess. My husband did say “happy people always sing.” Really, he did. I wonder if it matters what song 🙂

Exactly. Apparently the format shall change when I get a chance to do something other than take care of others 🙂 So, here’s a little story for ya, in the meantime. My 18month old son has taken to climbing a chair and then standing in the middle of the kitchen table and “dancing”. Uh huh. So many jokes, so NOT the point. Anyway, he is a stealthy little guy, nearly silent in this act of treachery, yet he is also the speediest little bugger. When the comment about “not being able to turn your back for a second!” is made, it is in reference to this little guy. So, today, my husband like person, while in a state of total nudity, caught him doing this and responded! (that is the first shocking part of the story.) He grabbed the poor little guy off the table and rushed him to time out, his own balls flying in the wind. Husbandish person was serious – he meant it! What a dangerous thing to do! What a naughty thing to do! How dare he not listen! In the meantime, I am laughing so hard I can barely stand. I mention this for a couple of reasons. One, if my son turns out to fear naked people, not my fault. If my son ends up with penis issues, not my fault. It, no matter what happens form now on, will be forever his father’s fault! Woo Hoo! Hall pass for me!
Then, here is point number two…Husbandish thing and I give the 2 1/2 yr old and 18 month old a bath together tonight, and we did it together. I got our daughter out of the tub, dried her hair and dressed her for bed as he got the little guy out of the tub and dried him off with a towel. Now, all of a sudden, the little guy looks towards his dad and sister and pees on my shoe (and the rug). Hmmmmmm….Oedipus, anyone???

For future reference, ACTUALLY peeing on something isn’t a good way for male humans to mark their territory. I was mortified, rather aggravated, and then had to do extra laundry. A nicely written card or gift certificate  would have been a better choice.

…before we change format/topics… There are very few people out there anymore who care about others more or at least equal to how much they care about themselves. My friend with the creatively dressed Dalmations was one of them, though. He was a wonderful and amazing person and taught me a lot about how I wanted to live my life. I now have four kids, 5 if you include the husband (like person), and I am struggling every day to show them that other people have feelings and matter, too. (Part of my problem is a domineering, narcissistic 2 year old). Anyway, there is in reality a huge difference between people who care and those that don’t. I shall mention Oprah, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elton John, etc as people who care. The level of antipathy at the most “regional” zones is crazy, but isn’t it funny when you see the ones with the most giving back? Do you know why? They have the ability to relate to people and understand how truly gifted they (Oprah, for example) are…and they want to share their gift, not to “take someone else out” but to raise someone up. Some people are taught “their shit doesn’t stink,” others are taught they “deserve something better,” and some are just taught nothing. I truly hope all of us, as parents, adults, people, HUMANS understand the power we have. The power of our words, our thoughts, our actions, our intentions.
The Arizona shooting vs. Sarah Palin thing is a good example. Do I think Sarah Palin intended anyone to die from her verbose rhetoric? No, actually I don’t. But did she say how sorry she was her words may have incited a riot? NOpe. And words are so truly the most powerful thing you have. What if I spent all day telling my kids they were “stupid,” or “pieces of shit?” Would they be motivated to do better in school, or would they just decide they were stupid” and give up? Words. How powerful are words?!?! I love you, I hate you, I want you, please hold me, Watch me jump, mommy, you are so smart, can I have a hug from you? Watch this, hold me tighter, see what I can do? You are so smart, you are trying so hard, you are so creative. Ahhh, words…
People, hopefully not my kids, arent taught anymore how to take responsibility for their actions and then move forward. “I am sorry I stepped on your toe. I am sorry I hurt your feelings. I am sorry i just ran into your living room with my 18wheeler. I shouldn’t have disobeyed. I am sorry I yelled at you. I am sorry you didn’t get to go to the show. I am sorry you are sad. What can I do?”
Antipathy is truly ugly, in my opinion, the ugliest emotion. If you are happy, awesome; angry – not great; sad is painful; shameful is waaaaaayyyy sad; hopeful is incredible, excited is wonderful; lonely is regrettable; jealous blows; unappreciated really hurts; but these are all feelings. At least there is a “feeling” and an engagement in life, for better or worse. Joyful or painful, you are a part of what is going on. When you can look around and say, “I don’t care” and mean it? Antipathy – the lackof emotion at all – that is the worst.