Before I go into my topic, I must begin with this factual statement: To those of you who already know and have previously known about this blog, I SWEAR this is not about you. So the two people who might be reading this and might be tempted to get upset, I SWEAR this is not about you and/or your situations! (In other words, the spouses of the people who write on this blog need not worry.)
Now, having said that, it has recently been brought to my attention that a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful young lady has been involved in a relationship with a married man for five years. Having worked in bars on and off for almost 16 years, I was SHOCKED (sarcasm) to hear this. How would a wonderful young woman get into a situation like this? How could a good person find herself a third party in a marriage? Well, it happens ALL the time. Has happened to many, many people I know, regardless of their background, faith, moral beliefs, education, attractiveness, hobbies, jobs, etc. In fact, it happened to me in my very, very early 20’s. And the funny thing is the story is almost always the EXACT same. “My wife doesn’t love me. Technically, we are separated. WE sleep in separate beds. We haven’t said ‘I love you” for years. We are only together for the kids/pets. She goes her own way and does her own thing and I do mine. We have an understanding. We are waiting for the kids to grow up/beloved pet to die (no shit, that was the comment during my “situation).” And that is the background story…which turns into: “You are my soul mate. We are meant to be together. Start looking at apartments, baby, because this time next year, it will be me and you. I loved you from the moment I saw you. Just hang on a little bit longer, baby. I need you, I love you. You giveme things my wife never could. You are fun, no drama. I can relax with you. I love our time together.” I could go on, but I am gettin’ a bit hostile. Anyway, the point is The Story is All the Same. And that is a HUGE point.
In my case, I chatted with the wife. She told me I wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last. The dude and I moved on with our lives. He moved on much quicker. Turns out, not only was I not the first or the last, but I wasn’t the only one at the time, either. There were several. And, last time I heard, there still were several. He is who he is…a man in desperate need of love and affection and adoration. For the most part, he is the definition of a “narcissist.” MOst guys – and girls – who creat theses situations for themselves are.
I am no saint -obviously- and I firmly believe people make mistakes, make bad choices, and mess up in many ways and deserve, if they ask for it, the opportunity to be forgiven and make amends for what they have done. But, they have to ask for the forgiveness (in so doing, acknowledging the mistakes they have made) and in some way, atone for it. I am totally off subject here…Let me reel myself back in.
So, here’s the deal…I have three daughters and one son. I am married to a guy. I find it to be mine and my husband’s responsibility to teach our kids what we have learned in life. I think the purpose of being a parent is to pass on your life experiences, where you think you might have made mistakes, things you wish you had done better, etc, with the goal your kids can learn from those things and teach even more to your grandkids. (Idealistic, I know, but I believe it with all my heart.) Soooo…if this were my daughter coming to me and saying “I have been with this guy on and off for 10 years, and he is still married,” I would say “Girl, get a grip, why do you want him anyway?” I am slowly but surely getting to a point, hang in there with me…As much as he is lying to his wife, he is lying to you!!! He is lying to the wife to get out of the house. Of course they are sleeping in the same bed…who wants to sleep for years on a couch???? Of course they are saying “I love you”! HOw long would you stay married to a guy who wouldn’t say it to you??? And, if they are “both off doing their own thing,” how come the hot chick he is married to hasn’t found herself a man she wants to be with???
I am sucking at getting to the original point. I apologize for that. I actually veered off in realizing how stupid (in retrospect) I was.
30 minute time lapse…I had to go walk around the kitchen to vent some anger at myself and the moron who helped create a bunch of issues in my life…like the ability to believe in what some men will say. My situation happened before I was 21, and literally, involved a 10 year old dog with seizures as the reason for “staying.” I must now point out that before I has two legged kids, I had four legged kids. I am a huge dog person, and firmly believe they are just as much “kids” to people as the four two legged kids I have. Anyway, does anyone remember my point? I started kicking myself in the ass and lost the point. Oh, wait. That might be the point. My life got so messed up by this guy, I turned down several decent marriage proposals (at least one friend is laughing), screwed up several significant relationships in my life solely because I didn’t want to be hurt like this dude’s wife was hurt. It was her choice to stay with the dude, but…
Be it man or woman, if there is lying in a relationship, you DON”T want it. I had a friend who would even say to me, “Hey, Mandy, that makes your ass look huge.” Don’t we really all want someone like that in our lives? Isn’t that the kind of relationship we are looking for? Or do we want someone who says, “I love you, baby” and 15 minutes later is bouncing off the neighbor in the backseat of the minivan?
To my friend: If he will lie his ass off to his wife, he will lie his ass off to you. In fact, he has been lying his ass off to you all along. In 15 years, I hope you aren’t kicking your own self in the ass like I just did (I was soooo stupid).
And hopefully, I will be better equipped to give my kids knowledge and foresight in this subject, because I have been through it from many angles now.
I was just thinking I should be ticketed for writing “A Rambling Blog.” I look forward to questions and comments, and would like to reiterate, if you have know about this blog for more than a week, it is NOT referencing you!!!!!